Written by, Kalpita
20th May 2025
We all want to raise strong, confident, and successful children. We sign them up for sports, music, camp, and so on, hoping they will discover their passions, develop grit, and understand the value of persistence. And then there are those times when your child comes to you, head down, and says, "I want to quit."
It is a moment that can pull at the heartstrings of any parent. Do you urge them to continue, teaching them grit? Or do you let them quit, showing respect for their feelings and autonomy? The answer is not always simple.
When we insist for them to continue, we are looking at:
1. Building Grit and Resilience:
There is a useful lesson that life does not always come easily or give instant reward. Persisting though the challenging times can teach little children persistence - a value which shall prove to be a rich reward to them in school, in their social interaction, and in their future careers.
2. Fulfilling Promises
When they commit to a team or group, people have expectations of them. Keeping a commitment is what instills in them responsibility and a sense of respect for others' effort and time.
3. Discovering Hidden Talents
Sometimes, early frustration or awkwardness gives way to enjoyment and competence. If they drop out too soon, they might never realise a talent or passion.
But when we let them drop out, we are focusing on:
1. Respecting Autonomy:
Little children need to feel that their view matters. Making them have choices between things to do might help them like themselves and towards being on their own.
2. Burnout and Stress Avoidances:
Forcing or scheduling them too much to continue at something they dislike can cause burnout, resentment, or stress. Unstructured play, incidental learning, and sufficient sleep should also remain an essential part of their childhood.
3. Respect for Individuality:
Not all children are cut out for everything. What is acceptable for one is not necessarily in line with another. Allowing them to try it out, and sometimes allow it to fall through, emowers them to find out what actually inspires and motivates them.
So How Do We Decide: To Persist and To Abandon?
When children of a younger age decide to give up, we need to ask ourselves:
Why do they want to quit? Is it frustration, boredom, problem with friends, disconnect with the teacher or something else? Being aware of the real reason will affect your response.
How have they tried to make it a fair go? Sometimes a poor spot or fear of starting could be endured with tolerance.
When could a reasonable compromise be reached? Could they run out the season or term, and then give it another try?
In What way does it affect others? In the event that they are on team, how can they leave respectfully?
My Personal Search for a Balanced Approach:
I had to work hard and come to accept that no one-size-fits-all answer exists here. In some cases, encouraging my child to stay is the right thing to do. In other moments, the healthiest choice is to let them go. The key is open communication, understanding, and flexibility to encourage rather than control.
The most important thing I learnt is that when my child is about to quit at an activity, it ends up being very little to do with the activity per se - it becomes more about her emotions, my values, and the connection we are building together.
These ’SIX REMINDERS’ work as my personal checklist and help me navigate such tricky moments.
Step 1: Stop and Think About Yourself
Check Your Own Emotions:
Take note of my initial reaction. Am I disappointed, upset, angry, or anxious?
Ask Yourself:
"What is it that I’m feeling right now? Why?"
"Am I letting this be about what my child is experiencing right now, or am I making this about my own expectations built on my past experiences?"
Breathe:
Take a deep breath before reacting helps me engage in a conversation with a calm, open mind.
Step 2: Connect and Validate - With Your Child
Name Their Feelings:
"It sounds like you're feeling frustrated. Is that right?"
Validate Their Experience:
"It's okay to feel that way. Trying new things can be hard."
Show Empathy:
"I recall feeling the same when I tried something new."
Step 3: Explore Together - With Curiosity
Ask Them Reflective Questions:
"What is the hardest part for you?"
"What is the one thing you'd like to change?"
Listen Actively:
Reflect back what you hear: "So you're saying it's too hard for you."
STAY Curious, Not Critical:
Avoid leaping to solutions or judgment.
Step 4: Teach Emotional Skills
Model Naming Emotions:
"Sometimes I think of quitting when things get tough, too."
Problem-Solve Together:
"What could we do that might help you like this better?"
Encourage Self-Awareness:
"What do you think will happen if you finish it? How may you feel?"
“Remember the last time this happened? How did you feel overcoming that?”
Step 5: Decide Together
Weigh Values and Needs:
"Keeping promises is important, but your feelings are important, too."
Make a Plan Together:
"Would you prefer to finish the session before making a decision?"
"How can I help you with that?"
Encourage Their Agency:
"You're learning to make decisions for yourself."
Step 6: Reflect and Grow
Debrief the Experience:
"What did you discover about yourself?"
“Is there a feeling you would remember for the next time?”
"How would you approach this differently in the future?"
Celebrate Emotional Growth:
"I'm proud of the way you gave voice to your feelings and thought this through carefully."
Stay Connected:
Let them remember: "No matter what you decide, I'm here for you."
Quick-Take-Out Tips for Parents:
• Judge not when listening to your child talk their feelings.
• Weigh pros and cons as a team, learning healthy decision-making.
• Encourage follow-through when possible but go along with things if the need arises.
• Praise effort rather than the outcome, regardless of whether they complete it or not, value their willingness to try out something new.
Note to Self:
I realised that raising a child is not about having all the right answers in the moment - it's more about building on trust, understanding, and self-awareness in the relationship. When my child wants to give up, I try and make it a bonding experience - a time for thinking through and discovering together. The real issue is not necessarily to stick or switch - it's actually about learning how to understand ourselves and one another in the process.
Most importantly, I remind myself that letting my child quit shouldn’t be seen as a sign of failure - sometimes, it’s an act of good judgment and mutual respect. By supporting their journey of self-discovery, we’re helping them build the confidence to make well-thought-out choices, to gradually learn from their errors, and to bounce back finding what truly lights them up.
After all, isn’t childhood is about experimenting, learning, and growing? Sometimes, that means sticking it out. Sometimes, it means knowing when to let go.
