Written by, Kalpita
9th Jun 2025
As a parent, I see competition everywhere today — on the playground, in the classroom, even at birthday parties and on play dates! While I’m often anxious to want to protect my little one from those disappointments or comparisons, the reality is that competition is a part of life, and will always be.
My job, as a parent, is not to eliminate it altogether, but to help my kid handle it in a way that builds confidence, kindness, and a love for learning – something that most of us parenting today, have missed-out on growing up!
I’m aware that competition has the potential to teach some invaluable life lessons to the youngest of them all – like how they could set goals, give their best shot, and make a comeback post setback. It’s also an opportunity for them to learn about how to work in a team, play fair, and celebrate both - their own wins and those of others. These lessons could help them not just now, but for years to come - but only when managed well!
How I Help My Child Discover Her Strengths and Weaknesses
My 7 year old girl is still figuring out what she’s good at and what she finds hard. If yours is anything like me, they are also well aware of their strengths and somehow keep focusing on that. But here’s how I guide my girl to grow further:
Notice and Celebrate Effort:
As a parent, I took a while to simply enjoy watching my girl engaged in activities she likes and in spaces she shines. While keeping my advice and judgements to myself, I am finally able to see the value in celebrating her hard work, not just the outcome.
Eg: “I have been watching how you kept trying to skip and ace those techniques at gymnastics — it was amazing how you didn’t give up!”
Talk About Feelings:
When my girl feels sad about not getting the top score on a class test, I take a moment to hear her out and empathise; before getting into anything else.
Eg: “It’s okay to feel disappointed. What matters the most is you trying your best!”
Be Honest and Kind:
Moving forward, I make it a point to praise the specifics in great detail.
Eg: “You helped that friend so nicely today!”
And then I gently and briefly talk about areas to work on.
Eg: “Next time, let’s try to wait our turn a little longer before we interrupt.”
Normalise Struggles:
This is so very important to me. I always remind my girl that everyone (including her parents) has things they find hard, but that’s how we all learn and grow.
Growth Mindset in the Early Years
As little as she is, my daughter knows and respects the concept of growth mindset - meaning believing that one can get better at things with regular practice and genuine effort. Here’s how you too can plant those seeds early on:
Emphasise Doing, Not Winning:
Cheer and celebrate your child's effort and courage in trying something new, not just when they "win".
Show That It's Okay to Mess Up:
Share your little mistakes and what you learned from them, and let your child know they can safely try, even if it doesn't go well.
Set Small Goals Together:
Help your child set small personal goals - such as "Today I will try making my own bed", and then celebrate that achievement.
Try New Things:
Expose your child to all types of activities, so they will discover what they enjoy and that will help them feel confident in new skills.
Developing a Healthy Attitude towards Improvement
Self-improvement is not about being perfect - it is about learning and growing a little every day, and here are some ways I have learned to nurture that, as a parent:
Be a Role Model:
I let my girl see me learn new things, make mistakes, and have fun while doing it.
Help to Think Positively:
I help her to replace "I can't do it" with "I can't do it, YET" or "Nothing is easy, I got better at trying!”
Promote Kindness and Teamwork:
I inspire my daughter to be helpful to others and collaborate with others, instead of just competing. This way she can learn about her friends’ strengths and weaknesses to connect with.
Balance Competition and Cooperation:
I try to include both competitive games as well as team activities in her playtime.
That said, checking in to see if competition is still healthy for our children is one of the most vital roles we can play as parents today. Sure, healthy competition can motivate my girl, and teach her a wide variety of valuable life skills; but as I watch and hear about my daughter’s social interactions, I'm becoming more aware of how fast those competitive activities can shift from healthy to something unhealthy, and thereby affect my daughter's emotional and social well-being - and possibly her physical well-being.
How Unhealthy Competition Shows Up
Here’s how unhealthy competition can manifest in different areas of your child’s life, and what signs to look for:
1. Emotional Signs
- A fit of anger, tears, tantrums whenever they lost or failed to be best.
- Engaging in negative self-talk, indulging in heavy self-criticism, and/or fitting that they will never be ‘good enough’.
- Getting anxious or stressed about just the thought of any competition;
- Winning is everything; no points for the process or fun.
2. Social Signs
- Fractured relationships with friends, siblings, and teammates on the basis of a "win at all costs" mentality.
- Bragging or belittling others for their own weighted sense of superiority.
- Cheating, sabotaging others' efforts, or insulting peers and authorities.
- Forging away from any group activity or quitting outright when the taste of success does not come quickly.
3. Behavioural Signs
- Unwillingness to try anything new for fear of not being excellent at it.
- Not accepting one's own defeat with dignity, casting blame upon others or sulking after having been beaten.
- An eventual burnout coming from excessive self-push, or losing interest in hobbies that used to be enjoyable.
- Physical aggression going unchecked and rewarded or just rough play.
4. Family Dynamics
- Sibling rivalry going beyond casual competition and therefore causing tension at home.
- Parents or coaches stressing the importance of winning, creating a pressure cooker environment, and increasing performance anxiety.
- Children coming to believe that they are being loved or valued only when they achieve or win something.
Why I Think Check-Ins Are Important
Unhealthy competition shatters self-esteem, eats away at relationships, and diminishes a child's ability to discover something in which he or she is truly gifted and passionate. Long-term side effects may include continuous stress, anxiety, and dependence on external validation.
How I Stepped-Up:
Detect Red Flags:
I keep a watch for any shifts in mood, behaviour, or attitudes toward activities and peers.
Provide Space to Talk:
I discuss emotions after competitions — as in feelings of winning and loss. I listen to her discontent or frustration and work to help her see setbacks as opportunities for learning.
Make Effort and Growth Trailblazers:
I praise her hard work and progress as much as teamwork over results. I encourage her to compete against her past, and not just against other people.
Model Healthy Competition:
I present ways to accept success and failure, without ever comparing such incidences to others.
Set Realistic Expectations:
I remind her — and myself — that one cannot expect to win every time. I guide her in creating goals that she can achieve and then celebrate all sorts of improvements.
Emphasise Balance:
I will consciously ensure that she has enough time to rest, chill out, and enjoy herself under various non-competitive settings.
Take Action:
When called for, if an unhealthy competitive ambience appears to be promoted by a coach, teacher, or any other adults, I make sure to conflict it or seek another more supportive setting.
My Under7Parenting Tidbit: Think on it!
Competition represents a natural part of growing up yet it falls upon us, as parents, to preserve its positive nature. Starting early, we could build resilience and confidence in young children while nurturing their love of learning through regular check-ins and early detection of warning signs and by maintaining focus on growth and enjoyment regardless of their final race position. When children start out their journey it becomes our responsibility to repeatedly emphasise that their primary goal involves minor daily improvements while teaching them to value each forward step!
